Identity Crisis

The goodbyes have been said, the trainings have been done, the teams and Squad reunited and put on to a bus with hugs from our leaders back at Adventures headquarters. So here I am. Sitting in the airport in Ft. Lauderdale for our 9 hour layover before our final flight to Peru and to be honest; the magnitude of what lies before me hasn’t fully sunk in yet…But a couple other things have tried to.

I’m going to be really open and vulnerable right now.

I’m currently going through an identity crisis. It’s getting better but it’s still happening. 

I know what you’re thinking but hear my heart; God is wrecking everything I think I know about who I am and everything I think about how He sees me and changing everything but it isn’t an easy thing to walk through. Yes, it’s beautiful, but there is definitely brokenness with this as well. I love the things He’s teaching me and speaking into me but the enemy doesn’t.

From the moment I walked into the room to register, Satan has been trying to speak things about who I am, how the squad views me, how God views me and also, how I view me. It’s all very confusing and he definitely attacked when I was already emotionally conflicted and vulnerable. I spent the first couple days trying not to act like something was up and everyone knowing that there was. The lies I heard were things like; “you’re not seen or heard here.” “They’ve all formed friends and here you are…who do you have?” “You don’t fit with them…again.”

I know that these are not truths. I know that I belong, that I’m valued, seen and heard. But Satan was using some very real circumstances to get me to doubt that, plus, he succeeded for years before I recognized the lies for what they were. My Heavenly Father reminded me of these truths in the sweetest of ways that broke me but in the most raw and pure moments.

First, my roommates; Maia, Alycia and Kaci (all Beauty for Ashes Coordinators like me) knew something was wrong. At first, they gave me space but then, realizing I might be needing the opposite, proceeding to prod me one night as I laid in bed facing the wall and insisting with my voice cracking that I was fine. Next thing I know, I have Maia and Kaci pouncing on top of me, which made me laugh even though I was crying and then I just broke. They both held me while Maia stroked my hair and they started to pray for me as Alycia walked in and joined the huddled mess. It was the most tender experience I’ve had in a while. 

I also had a honest conversation with my awesome alumni Team Leader, Amanda, who was so sweet, patient and gentle with me as I struggled to sort my feelings out into words with lots more tears (I’m not sure why tears always come in these situations but it’s mildly annoying). She comforted me, hugged me, and even when Amy (squad mentor) showed up, wasn’t quick to explain but as Amy held me (probably super confused in the moment), Amanda simply said, “she needs it.” But Amanda also said these words to me and they brought so much comfort; “going through this wrecking during Launch when emotions and exhaustion levels are high is so hard! But, going through it this early means God is tilling up the ground for some amazing things over the next year.” WOW.

Also, I redid the fitness hike on the treadmill at the hotel and (with a couple cheerleaders including my team leader Amanda, and fellow Selah team member Sammeira): I CRUSHED it!!!! (Thank you God for using that to also reaffirm my new identity in Christ!)

You guys. I’m doing this thing. 

Stepping into a full immersion of His identity for me,

Niecey

PS- I’m currently ONLY $418 from being FULLY FUNDED!!!!! Please prayerfully consider donating to my fund! Thank you all for the financial support, emotional support, and all of the prayers. It is all being felt so hard!!