He Met Me On The Hill

I’ve been struggling to write this since the middle of Training Camp…. I’m about to be *REAL* in a way that is honestly, so scary; but I’m learning that my story is worth telling. It’s a little all over the place but that’s the beauty of our stories.

This is a long story so stick with me.

I’ve been a Christian since I was about 7 and I’ve always been active in my church and youth group; I rarely missed an event or church camp and I’ve been involved in the kid’s ministry in some way for a long time. I “knew” all the “church kid” phrases about God, His love, grace and kingdom, but I’ve heard them so much that they’ve lost their meaning.

For a long time, I haven’t liked the person I saw in the mirror or the unique personality that never quite fit in. I felt as though I wasn’t enough and that I was too much (as a lot of young women do). I let the things that others joked about, said to my face, whispered behind my back, and the words that the enemy fed me define who I was and how I saw myself. I constantly concerned myself with what others thought and said about me. I shrank back into the background; covering up my insecurities with sarcasm and a smile; also avoiding confrontation at all costs. I loved loving others, but I couldn’t seem to do the same for me. I was hurting, miserable, and didn’t know who I was.

About 2 years ago, God really started showing me things about myself and how he created me; things I had never noticed.

Flash forward to Training Camp.

I was there the day before with the Storytellers group; it was the smallest group and the first all-female group of Storytellers that they’ve had. We were invited to Seth Barnes’ house for a bonfire that first night. It was incredible to be surrounded by the founding faces of AIM and the World Race. Emotional and Spiritual healing took place around the fire that night and I got to witness others’ freedom.

God spoke through one of my squad mates to tell me “you are significant.” Wow. The next morning, we got together to pray, and I revealed to the girls that I was fighting comparison. They all gathered around me, hugged, loved on me and prayed for me. It was beautiful. The rest of the day, all the things that seemed to come up had to do with not comparing ourselves and our stories with each other. Alright Father, I hear You.

One of the first sessions, during worship, I asked God to meet me. After worship, Andrew (an incredible, 70-something year old, British man) started talking about how we were made to be loved. About how nothing we could do could ever change the fact that because we were created to love and be loved by God and until we allow ourselves to be loved by the God who sees us; we can’t truly love Him. At some point during this lesson, Andrew asked us to stand so he could pray over us and I felt God’s love in a way I never have before… it was sweet, calming, overwhelming and unrelenting. I was crying and Andrew saw me, he called to my squad mentor and next thing I knew, my entire squad had their arms around me. Again, wow. I hear You, Father. My Squad Mentor, Amy, spoke something incredible to me after that, “’if you tell a seed that it’s a rock, it’ll spend it’s entire life believing it’s a rock.’ At some point, someone told you that you were a rock, but God made you to be a seed. A powerful, significant seed.” Almost every session, something about my identity was called out and confirmed. I had members of my squad giving me words and verses that God had given them just for me. Each one of them spoke to who I am in Christ in some way.

I was still making little “funny” and self-deprecating comments about myself (one of my squad mates called me out on that and told me that I was saying them so no one would beat me to it but that no one on the squad believed those things about me), and I was worried about the fitness hike. I hadn’t really gotten a chance to “practice” with my gear on and I had a chance to walk the hill (it’s basically a mountain, you think you’ve reached the top at least 3 times) a few days before the hike. I was so scared. I’m not in the best shape. One of the guys on my team heard my worry the night before the guys were leaving for the man-hike and asked to pray over me. So, Paul and Zach prayed a prayer that touched the deepest parts of my old identity. I can’t even tell you what they prayed except that there was something said against comparison (they didn’t even know that I was struggling with that); I know it was God using them to speak life and truth over me. One of them suggested that when it gets hard during the hike to just sing praise, even if I’m not able to sing out loud, just sing it in my head. The next night, my squad mate, Amanda also prayed over me.

The day of the fitness hike, I was so nervous. I felt like I lost before I even started, and I knew I’d have to conquer that hill twice to make it 2 miles. I struggled. My leg was cramping up and I was in a lot of pain. One of my alumni Squad Leaders, Landry, stuck by my side the whole way. Occasionally, one of my squad mates would yell out words of encouragement. I reached the hill the first time. I stared up towards the top and tried not to stop but I was hurting and couldn’t even see the end. That’s when my teammate, Adrianna showed up next to me, grabbed my hand, dragged me along, while I kept saying “I can’t…” she was quick to remind me that words are so powerful. That what I bind on earth will be bound in heaven and that I needed to speak life and truth. I had to stop talking, I could hardly breathe. Adrianna said, “that’s okay, I’ll speak for you,” as she proceeded to speak amazing things and I tried not to hurl, I focused on getting to the top. Adrianna had to finish her own hike and left me with Landry. At some point, the words came back to me, “praise Him when it gets hard, even if you can’t sing” and the song “Hills and Valleys” by Tauren Wells got stuck in my head and I had to hear it. Amanda was next to us now with her pack off and I asked if one of them could play it for me. No one had a phone, so they were singing it instead.

“On the mountains, I will bow my life to the One who set me there in the valley, I will lift my eyes to the one who sees me there….You’re God of the hills and valleys and I am not alone!”

There I am, gear strapped on, in so much pain, ready to quit, and suddenly, Jesus meets me right there. Every single time negative words came to mind, the only words that came out were “God, You are my strength!” and that song just kept repeating and worship was stirring in my heart. It was like God was writing my new worth and identity onto my heart with every step. The sun was rising and was absolutely breath-taking and at some point, I just cried out “Thank You Jesus! Your creation is beautiful!!” and I heard Him whisper back, “YOU are my creation too…” Tears stinging my eyes and my breath coming in ragged, I cried out, “ALL of Your creation is beautiful!” the second time up the hill was intense and at some point, I had at least 10 of my fellow girls from Z squad walking behind me, cheering me on, and singing at the top of their lungs when I couldn’t speak.

I finished with most of the girls following me. As I crossed the “finish line,” I was greeted with high-fives, hugs, and more cheering. I’ve never felt more loved by a group of women than I did in that moment.

I didn’t make the time which meant I had to do the same route but only one mile the next day. I told my squad and let them know that they could either cheer me on at various points or they could hike it with me, or they could sleep in, no hard feelings. Even the guys got up and hiked with me. Most of my squad was up and either hiked it with me or cheered me on from certain places along the trail. It was like a repeat of the day before but more of the positivity, love and new identity. God met me. He tore down lies as I walked and reminded me how special I am to Him and that I am worth loving. Amy kept reminding me, “your body was made to do this, and you can do hard things.” I broke down as soon as I got done…totally in awe of God.

My Heavenly Father placed a new identity within me on the hill that day and even though I’ll re-hike at Launch; God used my squad, my leaders and His creation to speak truth over all the lies I’ve allowed myself to believe. Chains were broken off over the last 2 weeks and I’m walking in a joy, love and freedom that is so new and so exciting! All the things I “knew” about God in my head; He’s teaching me in my heart.

Training Camp taught me a lot; how to “rough it” and not completely hate it, to share Jesus in a way that culturally makes sense, how to love people that I just met and live in super close community with them, how to do a real Sabbath, how to listen to Holy Spirit, how to trust God, and how to forgive and love myself, because:

I’m fully known and loved by my Heavenly Father who created me and sees me.