Processing—Please Wait

I’ve talked a lot lately about ministry and how that’s going and I realized I haven’t given you guys a real personal glimpse at how I am. Although I’ve said things about how ministry has me feeling; this blog is to specifically give a heart update.

I’m experiencing growth that is much needed and with that, I’m learning that growth is not an easy process and that often times; it’s also painful. I’m learning that God has given me a voice for a reason and that my voice is just as valuable as anyone else’s, however, my voice is unique to who He has created me to be. Part of being obedient to God and walking in the identity that He is rewriting within me is to speak up when He is prompting me to speak. 

He has also revealed to me that when I do speak up; I tend to be gentle to keep from hurting people’s feelings or to keep the peace but I’m learning that by being too gentle—I can be deceitful (Proverbs 15:4). I’m working on finding the balance of truth and gentleness and letting Holy Spirit lead me.

I want to apologize to anyone out there that I haven’t been fully and completely truthful to. It was never my intention to sugarcoat to the point of lying and for that: I’m truly sorry!

I’m learning that it’s okay to not be okay and that there is joy found in brokenness—when you lean on God and invite Him into the broken places of your heart. The enemy uses places of shame and embarrassment to come in and speak lies and that the best way to combat that is to share those with God and also invite someone you trust to see that part of you; “Open up, let the light in.” -Steffany Gretzinger (Bethel)

I’m learning the difference between comfortable and safe (example: confrontation/conflict is not something I’m comfortable with but it doesn’t mean that I’m no longer in a safe space). 

I’m discovering that with me being empathetic and compassionate; I can often take on the emotions others are feeling as my own which coupled with my old habits of being a people-pleaser can leave me not knowing how I’m doing and therefore not truly being me.

I’m also learning that I can put on a brave face all day and tell the people that love and care about me that “I’m fine,” but that doesn’t make it true. How I feel and what I need during those moments need to be expressed in order to allow God to use the people around me to stretch me, hold me accountable, and allow my team to know and love me right where I am.

I am learning so much about who I am. Not who people want me to be, not who I want to be, and certainly not what the enemy has told me for so long that I am. But the Niecey that God so uniquely crafted.

Until I understand exactly who I am and who He is; I can’t expect Him to reveal what I’m supposed to do with my life; which is something I’ve been praying and thinking about for a while.

I encourage you to listen to the following songs to get a real glimpse of where I’m at:

“Over My Head” – Bethel

“Find You On My Knees” – Kari Jobe

”Oceans” – Hillsong

“Whatever it looks like; whatever may come—I am Yours…Whether I sink, whether I swim; it make no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head.”